My Imposter In A Mask

Am amazed at the number of things I am amazed at, nowadays.

These aren't things that I have run into, or out of, for the first time. Neither are these things a freshening breeze that has overwhelmed me to a mesmerizing stillness on my first-ever visit to the gold-hued sea-shore. Or for that matter, nor are these any skirmishes with matters not pertaining to this world, or which have presented themselves with a pre-defined objective of shocking me to death. NO. These are things I have been a witness to since I was born, and which I know, wouldn't abandon me even on my death.

For example, the other day I was quite perturbed at a cow starting to piss in front of a gentleman me, even as people fled the spot of the catastrophe to take refuge somewhere less unfriendly. I remember I was sipping tea in a hot plastic cup. I have been seeing cows all my life - they walk on our streets like human beings (and I know some human beings who walk like them), and use the roads as their open lavatory much like our menfolk do, an exhibition of a ludicrous apathy stolen only by moments, not of a chagrin or remorse, but by thoughts of peforming even better on the road-side next time around.


Needless to say, there would, then hardly be a reason I should subject myself to such a grand shock of consequential proportions on seeing that cow piss ! But true, I felt overawed and was held hostage to an inexplicable amazement! No less ridiculous was the fact that, everything said and done, I felt the plastic tea cup too hot. In my bewilderment, I created a mess there in no time, puddled only by my swearing of how amazed I was at my ability to withstand such high temperature! The next moment, still dabbling, I was amazed at how suave and good-mannered the shopkeeper was, at whose Bakery shop I was taking the tea. It seemed I had never seen such a gentleman ever in life - his mannerisms, verbiage and humility always supporting my reasons for being amazed! And in the future, had miniscule chances of seeing, ever.

I can tell you a hundred examples that got to the extremes, withholding a hundred botched-up others that would look like blighted curses dumped on me by the ambushed Sorcerers of English fairy-tales. Am still waiting for the day when I shall be amazed at my own age, or at having passed or trespassed this earth for so long. Dinosaurs did that longer than me, but they atleast had their sanity preserved till the end. Well, am close to getting amazed one day for the way I work at office, without knowing what I am working, or why I am working. The only consolation can be that not another soul knows either, either about themselves or me. I know, however, as to who I am working for - I need that to collect my salary cheques. At any rate, given the past record, the day mightn't be far when seeing my face in the mirror might actually amaze me!

I can undo a few stopples here and now, if you can promise me to keep it a well-meant secret. Yes, something very secret - like our Bofors or the Kargil coffins or other such kickback scandals. Nobody knows that happened! Not even our courts! Bless us! Well, here's the truth - I have spent many a useless minutes pondering over the night as to what if I wake up the ensuing morning only to see an unknown face of myself in the mirror. A new face! Never seen before! I would probably be amazed at who I was and what I was doing there - maybe loathe myself and trash myself on to the nearest shit-bin. Or dust-bin overflowing with rodents and torn Femina pages. Or any such crap-containing shitty device. Or who knows, maybe I shall wait for the shops to open at 10 am, as to be able to buy myself a new friendly mask to help my face look more amicable to myself.

There are other nightmares too, dripping onto the playground of my mind, at the unworthiest of times, as to culminate in my amazement. What if I realize one day that we are all existing in a metaphysical paradox - we're all undefined and in a state of constant entropy! Or that our ebullient selves are but an eyewash! What if all these days since birth I believed this face of mine as the real me, and now it turns out to be a figment of mere imagination - that it's just a mask, non-existent, or existing in another form ! What if I find out that the real me is actually treacherous, cold-blooded and absolutely selfish? What if I find the real me cannot stand up against a cause he knows is right? What if the real me can stab a person as long as his vested interests are fulfilled? What if the real me is a grotesque reflection of hypocrisy? Would I be able to face these truths and be amazed at what I discover? Well, no - maybe these are the only set of things I wouldn't be amazed at! Perhaps, because only my heart knows what a coward beast I am!

Well, why I'm a coward beast one of my blogs shall enumerate someday in the future! Stay tuned! :-)

For the moment, however, am quite amazed at you being my closest confidante that I've ever come across in life (smile)! Am also amazed at the immense number of secrets you can keep though we are meeting here for the first time now (grin)! And then am amazed at how humble can a person be inspite of knowing a sizeable amount of my 'amazing' secrets (chuckle, grin)! :-)